I can whole heartily admit that right now I really do suck at being a friend, let alone a good one … the reason – I’m really trying not to suck at being a mummy!
I must begin by offering an understanding apology to all my friends that have been before me into the world of motherhood … I didn’t get it it and am guilty for having felt that they no longer cared about our friendship, when they would endlessly cancel coffee dates, were unable to make nights out, to be distracted and preoccupied when I talked endless crap at them, never replied to messages and didn’t rejoice when I would see them out and prodded and gave affectionate squeezes to their sleeping baby … I get it now!!
and now to the friends I’ve abandoned … I’m sorry!!
Please bare with me, I am struggling to keep up with the daily demands of being a mummy, I have become completely focused on one thing in my life and just need some time to get to grips with this parenting malarkey, it is completely consuming every moment of my life and I have changed, but I do care about you and our friendship is invaluable.
However just so you know, just for now …
I will endlessly cancel coffee dates as there will be days when I’ve been awake “all” night and the thought of trying to attempt to get a little person dressed, fed, into the car let alone peal off my puke covered pjs and make any kind of effort to look more human makes me need to lie down. I would love a night out, but not only do I laugh at the thought of being able to make any kind of adult conversation, I also have a boob monster who kicks off as if by clockwork every night at 7pm wanting to spoon my chest and if I were to go out I would spend the whole time wanting to be at home with my baby giving him what he wants … I’ve had plenty of nights out and will have lots more, so “for now” my nights are his!
I get distracted and a lot of the time I will not hear what you say as I can’t concentrate, especially if breastfeeding, trying desperately to prevent niplash (when my nosey little cub pulls off my boob mid feed to make sure he’s not missing anything around him and flings my nipple out for the world to see squinting milk as it goes!!). My brain also shrunk and retains little information these days (actually true story!) and I know I may also bang on about this at the moment … but I am sooooo exhausted and find myself napping with my eyes open, I spend most of my time in a baby haze, which although is lifting, still makes me feel like i am constantly hungover! I am also more than aware of just how boring and completely baby orientated I have become and so any sentences I may manage to string together will no doubt be about the quality and consistency of my baby’s poo – stimulating i know!!!!!!
I love your messages and hearing from you and thank you so much for continuing to make the effort, however it’s doubtful you’ll get a reply as during the window I get round to reading it, there is likely to be a poopsplosion, vomiting, sudden screaming fits, entertaining, baby groups, food throwing, boob frustration or it will be a compromise between replying to you … or showering, eating, weeing or sleeping … but the intention is always there and pls keep persevering!
I have become so rude I realise this, when its taken me 40 mins walking into town for him to finally drop off to sleep and I see you stop to chat, I will feel awful as I continue to walk past you, mouthing “im sorry” whilst making gestures towards the sleeping baby, trying to communicate if i stop he will wake … he will cry and i will cry!!!
I would love nothing more than you to snuggle my little cub and sniff his fluffy head, but it is very likely that to get him to sleep has taken a good 30 mins feed, followed by rocking, shushing, walking and holding my breath … and I know the moment he is picked up for a cuddle that will all have been for nothing … but I promise you one day he will be awake and has the biggest hug saved up for you!
If you do see me out and by some miracle I am sitting alone enjoying a coffee, indulging in 5 mins of phone time or just sitting, sadly the last thing I usually want to do is talk, I actually don’t even want to have to think, I just want to be completely and utterly selfish and have me time.
I know I’m not as fun anymore and I’m not there for you, but I do think about you, send you love, miss you, love looking at your photos and watching you enjoy your life, I will learn eventually how to balance it all, I will sleep again and find time to be fun, if you can hold on I promise I’ll be the good friend you deserve, the good friend that I am … But now I must be a good mummy.